Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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