By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
