Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
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You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
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I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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