burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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