if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There r osticjed everywhere
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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