so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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