I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
