do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just googled if crying burns calories
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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