Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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