I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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