shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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