When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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