that's an acceptable place to lick
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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