Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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