You can't special order awesome
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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