oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My vagina is officially offended.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
