So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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