In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
