I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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