how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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