Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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