6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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