Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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