Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
