I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
