Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
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His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
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But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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