We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
