Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
