Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
