I accidentally burped into my bong.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
