I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
