Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
