Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's rum buckets o'clock
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
