i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
