So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
