I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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