Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
