We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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