wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
