How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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