I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
