Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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