Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
