So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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