my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
