dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
