peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
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