speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
