your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
