Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
