she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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