Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize