Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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