you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Holy shit dude........stairs
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
