I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
