Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
