TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
this just has baby written all over it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
