There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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